E is for Emotionally Drained

Today is one of those days where it's really hard for me to be upbeat or positive because I'm just not feeling great. I knew today was going to be hard last night when my back was aching. It was ache-y all day today. It's not like I can just do NOTHING. I have to lives that need me to kick butt even when I'd rather lay in bed all day.

On top of my back, Brody was extra fussy today. I'm not really sure why. I can't say. I thought maybe teething, but for whatever reason he just did not settle easily and then he wouldn't take a decent nap either. I mean I just couldn't win. Of course, I still have Milo to take care of as well. We spent a lot of time switching babies in the jumper today for my own sanity. Lots of time on the playmat. Lots of rocking in our special chair that daddy bought us all. 

It's been one of those days when they start crying and all I want to do is just join in and cry, too. But of course, nothing is going to get accomplished doing that. 

Plus, I was getting really frustrated with myself. It seems like I couldn't do one single thing right today. My mother's thumb (a wrist/tendon condition from pregnancy that has still not gone away) was extra sore and makes it harder for me to lift both babies at once like I usually do. Something I've become very good at. When my thumb hurts it's harder to lift the second baby and extremely painful. I've been clumsy because I'm really tired and also starving (see: I never have time to eat enough.) So...at one point I was walking through the bedroom door and I bonked Milo's head on the door. Then later I was holding Brody and he like catapulted off me (they are getting their leg strength now) and I put my other hand behind him, but it startled him and he cried. I just felt like "I KNOW. I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT. Tell me about it!" It's just been that kind of day.

Being a stay-at-home mom really is the best job ever and I never like to complain because I'm so so so lucky to be home to watch my babies grow and change and I love every second of it...even these emotionally draining days, but it's certainly a hard job. The hardest job I have EVER done. Hands down. There is no one in this world that could convince me that I do not kick butt every day at this job...even on the "worst" of days.

This is the three of us tonight!

Now.....I could be sleeping, but of course even in complete exhaustion I cant fall asleep because it's "too early" and I still have to make bottles and do a thousand things before I'm even ready for bed. By then... they'll be up to eat again. 

D is for Dreams

We all have dreams and places we hope life takes us. I can't really say that growing up I was your typical little girl who had fantasies about getting married or wearing a white dress or how many children I had. Unfortunately, my childhood was less than ideal and thus a lot of time was spent concerned over things children should never have to worry about.

It's never too late to create dreams or even find dreams you never even knew you had in the first place.

A dream I never even knew I had was definitely whether I wanted to have kids or not. I know. Thats a big dream to be unsure of. I grew up in such turmoil that I was worried... did I have what it takes to be a good mom? would I be a terrible parent because of what I had endured? Would I be able to do it at all? I guess there are probably a lot of mothers that have those concerns, but there are always those types of people that say they've always known they wanted to be a mother or that it's all they ever dreamt about. I was definitely not one of those types.

Meeting the right person made me feel a lot different about kids than I would have otherwise. I mean being with someone that truly makes me happy (and drives me crazy at times) makes me have a completely different thought process than the one described above. First of all, being with someone that is right made me confident that I wouldnt be any of those things I worried about. That I could be a good mom and that I wouldn't fail. That I did want kids and I wanted them with him!

As it turns out, I'm a super mom!

23 weeks with the twins

I married my husband, which of course was something I dreamt about for years before we actually got married. I'm fortunate to have spent the years together getting to know each other. I knew him fully and completely when we were married and I think that is really important!

As for future dreams....

I'd like to own our own house or condo. I'm not sure which. I mean we've talked about condo's in a more urban area, where the boys and I could walk to things vs. driving. But houses have their own appeal like a yard. Privacy. No condo association. Those types of things. But as life goes....I think whatever is meant to be will be. Condo or house. I would love to own something we call "ours" and make our home.

I want to show my kids all of my favorite things (and my husbands.) Is that a dream? Well it's one of mine.

I want to create. Since being on bed rest I have only crocheted, but I always get these urges to craft and I can't wait to have time to do that. Of course, when the boys are old enough I can plan crafts for all of us! That will be amazing.

I want to sleep through the night. Okay. This isn't really a dream for my life, but it's a dream I have currently. I mean.... even 5-6 hours would be a dream come true. It's probably a long way off, but I look forward to the morning I wake up from 5 hours of sound sleeping. Angels will sing!

I'd like to find something that I'm truly passionate about. I mean I have run a fairly decent home business. I've dabbled in things. But I have still yet to find something that truly just is my passion. I think being a mother comes pretty close because even the hard days are amazing, but other than being a mother.... I'd like to find something in life that calls to me in a way that nothing else can. Does that even make sense?

I'd like to swim with dolphins. That's always seemed really amazing to me. I dont mean just like stand in the water near them, but I want to ride through the water with them or snuggle their little nubby noses and feed them stinky fish.

Of  course I have my "if money weren't an issue" dreams like...

I'd love to own a house on the beach. If money weren't an option it'd be somewhere sunny because while I love the beaches of Washington....I'd like a beach that wasn't covered in rain on a daily basis so I could fully enjoy it.

I'd own a nice house. Not a mansion. Not 40 bedrooms and a bathroom for each wing. Just something slightly luxurious. maybe a pool. A great backyard. A decent amount of bedrooms (you know...enough for visitors.) A big playroom for the boys with a loft because lofts are the coolest.

A few cars. Not because I need more than one, but because I can't ever decide what kind of car I really like. I might need a few.... because one day I might like one car and the next I might decide I don't. Okay...maybe it's just because I'd like a variety of cars. What kind? I dont know. My idea of an awesome car is the "non-minivan" version of a Honda Odessey. why? Because THEY PUT A VACUUM IN IT1 Seriously... that's smart. I guess if I had all the money in the world I'd just buy a car and install a vacuum.

C is for College

I first started going to college when I was 16 years old. I did a program through a local technical school where the high school was actually inside the college. I took high school and college courses at the same time to try and graduate and have a "running start" on my college degree. Now... Don't dont let that fool you into thinking I was some type of academic all-star or anything. I actually didn't even make it to high school graduation there. I ended up leaving to finish out my high school through a home school program (lets just say I had skipped a lot and was really behind in my credits.) At the time, getting through high school was a major accomplishment. I mean it was a struggle getting myself there, as I was one of those high schoolers that thought "screw it...I'll just drop out." It crossed my mind many times, but I don't think at that age we really know what a big decision that is. Needless to say, Im thankful that I completed high school. I actually have this reoccurring nightmare that it didn't really happen which is strange and stressful.

So that was my first attempt at college. I think during that 9 months of college I changed my degree probably 3 times. So I really never ended up with any credits of value to me.

My second attempt at college was when I was around 18 years old. I think at this time I was really just trying to do the whole "this what you do after high school" thing. So this trip back to college didn't last very long either. I actually can't even recall if I lasted more than two quarters in school. I just wasn't committed. I was bored. Sick of school. Barely graduated anyways and here I was throwing myself back into school because it's "what you do" and I was just trying to "do the right thing."

I ended up feeling really discouraged after committing to school twice and deciding that I changed my mind about going to college. People make comments and they wonder why you're quitting, but looking back and even now I wonder to myself how can you even possibly know what you want to do at 18? Sure, there are those people that knew they wanted to be a fire fighter when they are 3 years old and that seriously is what they've always wanted to do for as long as they can remember. But realistically, that's not a majority of us.

So, In my completely discouraged state I decided to "just work". I worked and worked and worked. Then I worked some more. I worked hard for a little bit of money like most people without a degree or any type of career. I moved out. paid bills. was broke. The whole package.

Then when I was around 21 I started to really see the appeal of going back to college. It was all I wanted to do was figure it all out. Figure out what it is that I wanted to do and go learn the skills I needed to learn. But this time it wasn't as easy as saying "I want to go back to school."  Why? Well, when I was 16 and 18 I had parents that were willing to pay for the expenses to get me through school, but by the time I had the desire for a 3rd time they weren't so sure that I would follow through. How can I blame them? So, of course, I began to look into how I could get help going back to school.... but I couldn't get any grants, so my only option was to take out loans. I didn't want to end up majorly in debt and I was feeling a little wary about college still because I heard so many people tell me I had failed the two times before. I was worried that I would just fail again and let everyone down, but then owe money on top of that and that was scary to me.

I ended up figuring out that if I went when I was 24 years old I would qualify for more assistance. Who knows why, but thats how financial aid worked. So, I decided to continue doing what I was doing and look at college again when I could qualify for grants and scholarships.

I am proud to say that I went back to college at 24. I remember telling family members and having them give me the awesomely discouraging comments like "Are you sure this time?" or "do you really think you can do it?" but it was great because being that I was already terrified of failing and that those comments made me so angry they ended up being the fuel that kept me going. I always would think about how I was doing this for me, but how I was going to be able to say how wrong they were at the end.

I got my Associates in Graphic Design and another associates in Photography. Yes, thats right. TWO DEGREES! Not just one degree.

Of course, now here I am, a stay at home mommy. I have the best job ever and thankfully it's possible because of my wonderful husband. My skills are all quite rusty and I hardly have time to design anything with twins, but I am making it a goal to get a great design for this blog going (instead of this placeholder design.) It'll just be gradual over a long period of time, when I have my own free moments to spend on it.

B is for Babies

One question that I often get asked is "What was it like to find out you were having twins?" 

I can only say that it is the most indescribable and surreal feeling. Imagine feeling every single emotion flowing through your body at the same time. Thats what it feels like when you hear you're carrying two babies.

We found out when the babies were only 6 weeks, which is pretty early, but my husband was about to leave on a 3 month long tour and I wanted him to be there at least for the first ultrasound. That meant squeezing it in early.

During the appointment the Midwife was so quiet. Many of you moms probably remember that feeling of anticipation when you're just waiting for them to show you the screen and see that little heart flickering. I was sitting there and my nerves were building up and finally I said "Is everything okay? Is something wrong? Do you see something?" I couldn't take the silence.

Then in the calmest voice ever my midwife turned to me and said "Well, Im just a little distracted because there are TWO babies." Then she turned the screen and showed me both their hearts beating away.

My husband, Mother, and Mother-In-Law all came and I just looked at them in hysterics (the happy kind.) I was laughing and crying and giggling and in complete shock. I was looking at my husband to see what his reaction was. We were all so shocked and the whole room just burst out in a laughter. I dont remember if the mom's cried or not, but it was just incredible.

My belly a few weeks before they were born!

Fast forward and here we are with two 4.5mo old twins. They are amazing and brilliant. Of course!

I've also noticed that when you tell people you have twins, whether they are identical or not, they often assume they are "the same." That is 100% not true. Milo and Brody each have completely different personalities even at this age.

Milo in the NICU! 

Milo was born first and he had this shrill cry. Ear piercingly high pitched. It was so loud the nurses in the NICU made us keep the door shut. He's the more active and high energy of the two. He tends to go to bed after his brother and wake up before. I guess he'll be the one that will be up at 5am for Saturday morning cartoons? He is extra chatty first thing in the morning. Once he knows he's gotten me up and he's got my attention he's cooing and smiling and telling me all sorts of things in his little baby gibberish.

Brody when he was first born!

Brody is much more relaxed. Sometimes I even catch him pausing from crying as if he seems to think Milo has it under control and obviously I'll be getting whatever it is they need. He seems to be the more calm laid back of the two. He doesn't mind change like being held by someone new or going to a new place or those types of things. He is pretty okay with just about anything. He has a deeper voice. Not deep, but different than Milo's. Not as high pitched. He talks when he has something to say, but isn't as much of a chatterbox as Milo. He likes to observe things. I often watch him and something really grabs his attention and he can focus on it for a while just trying to take it all in. He has this funny laugh that barely comes out because his voice is so quiet. its so cute and makes me laugh every time.

Together when we stayed in the NICU.

So, they are not exactly the same. Though I'm sure as they grow they will be similar in many ways (besides just looks), but they are still individual people and they still have different personalities and I'm sure they'll like different things. One of the biggest reasons I like to dress them different most of the time is because I dont want them to wear the same outfits all the time and feel like they dont have their own identity someday or possibly look back at their baby pictures and scoff at how many times they were dressed alike.

And Finally home snuggling them!

I have dressed them the same a handful of times, but we hardly have any matching outfits in their wardrobe. We have similar outfits with different patterns, but not many that are the exact same and I like it that way. I'm hoping to get some family photos done when they are around 6 months old and I'm sure for some of our photos we'll dress them up the same, but that will probably be the extent of it.

I guess I'll end by saying that I couldn't imagine just having one because having two is so amazing and having two that are the same age is even more amazing. It's not easy. In fact, many days it's tiring and repetitive and there are certainly days where Im emotionally drained, but it's completely worth it at the end of the day.

A is for About OTL

I think it's only fair that we start the month off with an introduction, especially seeing as this blog has never had a proper introduction to it in the first place.

*stands up* Hi, My name is a Alissa and I am a twin mommy! I have lived in Seattle (and it's many suburbs) my entire life. I grew up in the city and always thought myself to be a "city girl", but along the way as my parents moved I ended up transforming into the type of person who much prefers the quiet country life to the busy city. I love quiet country back roads, farm houses, small family run businesses, the sense of community, and the peaceful calm that comes as the day ends. Im excited to raise my kids in the country and hope they will appreciate it's appeal someday as well.

My husband, Jon, is incredibly talented and amazing. I'm so incredibly lucky to have someone like him in my life and I am thankful for that every single day. He is not only amazing to me, but also would qualify for SUPERDAD status! I couldn't find enough words to describe the ways he amazes me daily, but I know how blessed I am. I love each day watching him interact with our babies and how much they light up when he walks into the room. They love their daddy so much and so do I.

I never ever imagined what it would be like to be a mom to twins, but I wouldn't change it for anything.  Originally I thought maybe someday I'd want one child and Jon always said he wanted two, so we always agreed that we'd see what happened after the first one. Well, life always has a funny way of planning things for you and life also always seems to give Jon is wishes. Seriously.... he always finds a way! So here we are with two beautiful baby boys and our family could not be more complete.

Milo and Brody are 4.5 months and growing so quickly. You know how parents always say "it goes so fast" when referring to their children growing up? Well, they aren't kidding. That statement is so true. I'm lucky to be able to stay home with them and to have a husband who makes that possible for us. I love waking up every day next to them. They wake up at ungodly hours and I'm typically beyond tired, but they see me and immediately grin making it impossible to be grumpy. They have been discovering their hands and how fun it is to try and shove an entire fist into their mouths. They love their jumperoo and when we sing songs. Sometimes I even read out loud the books I'm trying to read, just so I can get some reading in. I read excitedly and they love it. They don't know I'm reading the latest in parenting books and statistics about this or that. They are rolling over tummy to back, but not back to tummy yet!

Those are the basics and I suppose as time goes on you will learn more about Our Twin Life!

Here I am buried under a baby pile! 

A to Z Challenge: Blog your Alphabet!

I just heard about this challenge for the month of April where you Blog for a letter each day of the month. I think this will be a great challenge for me... I will sacrifice some naps and write during the twins nap time and we'll just see where it goes. There is a blog link up for the A to Z challenge, but sign up has closed, so Im participating for my own enjoyment and hope to read some of the blogs over there as well. It starts today, so get ready for A!

A long hiatus and a Short "catch up"

I left this blog at 18 weeks pregnant. I wont even bother catching you up from that point, as so much has happened since then and you really do not want to read a novel. I'll give you the basics in bullet form to make this quick and painless, so that I can begin the month of April with the A to Z blog challege. This is a personal challenge for me to write in this blog every day. But first lets catch up:

• WE GOT MARRIED on July 28th, 2012 in front of all of the special people in our life! A very special day to remember with a very amazing wonderful husband We also celebrated 9 years together in December! 
• My pregnancy was hard. I had appointments every two weeks with Maternal Fetal Medicine (for higher risk pregnancies) and then once a month I had an additional appointment with my regular OB. This increased to once a week after 26 weeks and twice a week some weeks. Then 2-3 times a week from 32 weeks on. I also endured almost 4 months of bed rest (on and off) and you'd think I could have used my blog during all my "down time" (pun intended) but I basically slept the entire time. Growing two is quite hard (though I have nothing to compare it to.) 
• The twins were born via emergency C-Section on November 27th, 2012 just a few days before their scheduled date of December 6th. They were 36 weeks. They were both EXACTLY 5lbs and 15oz and EXACTLY 19 3/4"! So if you want to talk about identical twins being identical... they really did a great job of that. No birth marks or identifying features to tell them apart, although mom and dad can tell. 
• Their names are Milo (Baby A) and Brody (Baby B). 
• Someday I'll write about my birth story here for those that want to read it.
• The boys are now 4.5 months old and just the most amazing little humans that have ever graced this earth (as any mom would say about her children.)
• Being a mom is better and more amazing than I ever could have imagined. I love every single day of it and wouldn't ever want anything different.
• Jon is the most amazing dad ever. He instantly was a professional at this whole parenting thing. He's so helpful and is great with the boys. He has no problem taking on two crying babies at one time and is all I could ever ask for and then some! 
  
  Our little miracles.
  We rarely dress them alike, but every once in a while for fun! :-)c